


Daddy Stark Doo Doo Doo

by the_one_n_only_54



Series: Daddy Stark Doo Doo Doo Doo [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awesome Clint Barton, Awesome Harley Keener, Awesome James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Awesome Pepper Potts, Awesome Peter Parker, Awesome Shuri (Marvel), Awesome Tony Stark, BAMF Harley Keener, BAMF James "Rhodey" Rhodes, BAMF Natasha Romanov, BAMF Pepper Potts, BAMF Peter Parker, BAMF Tony Stark, BAMF shuri, Bad Puns, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Civil War Fix-It, Clint & Natasha are The Spy Twins, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Clint Barton & Tony Stark Friendship, Coffee Addict Tony Stark, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Food Fight, Gen, Harley Keener Needs a Hug, Harley Keener does what he wants, Harley Keener is a little shit, I'm Bad At Tagging, Irondad, JARVIS is a little shit, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes Needs A Break, Karaoke, Light Angst, Mild Language, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark Friendship, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Nobody's Fighting, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other avengers are here don't worry, Paintball, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker does what he wants, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Pillow Fights, Poor Pepper Potts, Poor Steve Rogers, Poor Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Harley Keener, Protective Tony Stark, Sassy Jarvis, Shuri does what she wants, Shuri is a Little Shit, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark Friendship, The Author has no idea what she's doing, The Author is Sleep Deprived, The Avengers Are Good Bros, Tony Snark, Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Acting as Shuri's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, Tony Stark is an Insomniac, pop culture references, so imma stop now, there are waaaaay too many tags, tony stark needs a break, video games - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27279412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_one_n_only_54/pseuds/the_one_n_only_54
Summary: "SWEET CAROLINE!""Can I get a waffle?""This beech empty!""BAM BAM BAM!""Can I please a get a waffle?""yEET!""How is this my life?" Tony wondered aloud"Don't worry Tones," Rhodey said, patting Tony's shoulder in an it-will-be-alright manner-of-fashion and giving it a small squeeze. There was a sagely tone underlying his voice. "Parenthood can be tough at first, but you'll get used to it soon enough."---OR: The many adventures of Daddy Stark and his gaggle of (adopted) children.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Shuri & Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team
Series: Daddy Stark Doo Doo Doo Doo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1991758
Comments: 24
Kudos: 109





	1. Congratulations, you're a father!

**Author's Note:**

> What do you do when you're awake at 3AM, sleep deprived as hell, through your 4th cup of coffee (or was it 6th? I lost track...), eaten 17 purple skittles ( don't ask me why- it's 3 in the morning, i haven't slept for 28 hours, nothing makes sense anymore), and still haven't gotten over Endgame even though it's been more than a year?
> 
> Write a fan fiction, apparently. 
> 
> This is my first fanfiction ever (on Ao3 atleast), and I don't have a beta reader, so please try going easy on me!  
> Hope y'all enjoy it!
> 
> (he game which Harley's talking below about is Super Meat Boy incase u were wondering)

It happened. Tony doesn't know how, but it did.

And now he has 3 kids.

Tony Stark is a certified genius, with an IQ of 270. He created a motherboard at the age of 4, an engine at the age of 6, went into MIT when he was 15 and graduated summa cum laude when he was 17. Inherited the Stark heir at the age of 21, has 3 doctorates. Managed to miniaturise the arc reactor and create the first ever Iron Man armour in a cave with a box of scraps. Discovered- scratch that, _rediscovered_ an element. Is quite literally one of the smartest guys in the world. Yet he doesn't have an answer on how he adopted 3 kids.

He knows where it started though, how could he not? With his beautiful Malibu house getting bombed-up, along with his precious suits and his _oh-so-gorgeous_ cars, with him almost drowning to death, getting catapulted into space and landing in the middle of nowhere, getting zip-tied to a bed (not in the kinky manner), fighting a fire breathing nemesis, playing Barrel of the Monkeys and having his girlfriend turn into a very dangerous lava lamp; the Mandarin incident is hard to miss. While his impromptu hike up Tennessee, Tony met a certain Harley Keener. With a hostile potato-gun, limited edition Dora-the-Explorer watch, and a pretty good tuna sandwich, that kid was one of a kind, and quite hard to forget. Tony did know potential when he saw it, and frankly speaking, Tony saw much more than potential in the kid- he saw himself. Genius brain? Check. Sassy sense of humour? Double check. Shitty dad? Hat-trick. Ability to calm down anxiety attacks? Now that was just an added bonus. _Yeah, Tony liked him._

After the fight was over- summary: Tony's suit's are awesome, Rhodey saved the President, Pepper went supernova and saved the day, hurray!- Tony felt that he owed Harley something- a 'thank-you' of sorts. He was not the type to exchange pleasentaries, but the kid did deserve a something for saving his ass from getting barbecued, so he decided to give the kid some presents in the festive season. He remodelled his lab- swapped out older tech for new, better ones _(Stark Tech, duh)_ , got better laboratory enforcements, and sweeter furnishing. He also upgraded his arsenal, blessing him with a Potato-Gun Mark II. Since the kid had potential, Tony also went all out on paying his future college fees _(he is a 'philanthropist' after all!)_. Good, stuff off his conscience. But it didn't exactly end there- after the whole fiasco, he and the kid would still keep in touch, sometimes texting, or video-calling (Tony insisting that Harley was a pain in his butt when he didn't mind at all) _._ Once, Tony invited him to the Stark Tower as well, and soon that one visit became 2, 2 became 4, which became monthly and then weekly... yeah you get it. The kid soon got his own tower pass and room, and _maaaaybe_ now that Tony thinks of it that's how he adopted Gremlin 1? (ok, he may have done that with Harley, but that does _not_ explain the other 2!)

Now, Kid 2: Peter Parker. That kid was... definitely something. Tony had found out about Mr. Parker's special abilities through Youtube (surfing through the net can earn you a new superhero, who knew?), and had kept a close eye ever since. It was not only his web-slinging that intrigued Tony, however. The kid was smart; he aced his tests (in Math, Physics, and English, basically the subjects that mattered as far as Tony was concerned), got chosen for competitions- hell, he created the formula for web-fluid in his classroom, if that wasn't a streak of genius Tony didn't know what was! So when he went to recruit him in his team while the Accords situation, Tony was looking forward for it. And Mr. Parker did not fail to disappoint. Sure, he was sort of socially awkward, and his aunt was a tad too distracting, but at the end, it all worked out. Well, that was until the Airport Battle happened, shit hit the fan pretty fast. Tony had not been expecting a fight, and he was torn between slight horror and yes, a little bit of worry when he saw the kid fight. Like Tony did appreciate his fighting, but the kid was 15! The battle was no place for a literal kid! When he saw Scott's hand slam into Peter and sending him flying through the air, Tony felt this wave of... protectiveness, mixed with slight... fear. He had not at all been expecting those emotions, but at that moment he knew he had to get the kid outta there. Peter was stubborn, but after throwing his aunt's name in there he finally forfeited and left; Tony had let out a sigh he didn't know he had been holding.   
  
After the Discords (dubbed 'Civil War' by the public), was over and everything had sort itself, Tony had expected the kid's name to soon vanish from air. But Peter was, Tony was soon learning, a beacon for trouble. That was one of his own traits that Tony did _not_ want the kid to have, but hey presto. The kid managed to get himself involved with a flying Vulture guy (seriously, what was it with people choosing bird-names for their super identity? Hawkeye, Falcon, and now this! get original you guys! and plus, birds are a nuisance- they get poop everywhere!), Chitauri weapons (what the hell you guys, that was from _years_ ago! how did they still have that?!), and getting a ferry full of people sawed into two. The ferry incident was when Tony had had it, and he stepped in, and boy did Peter get an ear-full. But actually? Tony wasn't half as mad at the kid as he was at _himself_. Another person gets in harms way because of what he had done wrong in the past- what _he_ had done. It was _his_ fault, yet a _kid_ had to face the consequences. A freakin' _kid_. That's it, Tony couldn't take it anymore. He took the suit from the kid, because he couldn't have him fighting his wars- he was gonna face the birdie and clip his feathers. Granted, the way he took the suit the suit wasn't how he wanted to do it, but he was way too deep in the red to care. He was gonna find Aldrich Toomes, give that ass a piece of his mind and then a piece of- what the hell? The kid got in again! He went head-to-head with Toomes in his freakin' _onesie_! Tony had never been more angry, or scared. Thankfully, Peter made it out alive, and Tony almost passed out from relief. He was then ready to do whatever he could to apologise to the kid for _fucking up so badly,_ literally anything. He gave him back his suit, got him to the compound, offered to make him an Avenger. Peter, being smart, politely declined, but decided to stick to the neighbourhood. Tony didn't care- the kid was _alive_ , and that's what mattered. After Vulture-guy, Peter came one day into the Tower to get his suit repaired- the outer mesh had gotten a little ripped while patrolling. Tony readily fixed, while being very careful to hide his eagerness behind a cool, composed mask. Peter thanked Tony like he had just ended world hunger, and honestly speaking Tony was a bit flustered, but he smoothly welcome-d the kid and said that he could drop by anytime. That left him in a spluttering mess, but he nodded his head rapidly like he was trying to get something loose from his hair, so Tony took it as a 'yes, sure'. The kid, true to his word, would come by for suit repairs, but then he would start to visit more often when Tony decided to give him crash-courses on science. he would drop in every week, having his suit repaired or learning new things, and thats when he met Harley. On a fine Tuesday morning the boys' paths collided, and soon they were inseparable. Soon those two would come almost everyday, and now that Tony has said, this is how he took in both Gremlin 1 and 2. (uh, ok, so he may have also adopted Peter, but... well, shit. he adopted 2 out of 3 Gremlins.)

Finally comes Gremlin 3, last but not the least- the princess of Wakanda herself, her highness Shuri. Shuri and Tony had bonded over after Civil War, when T'Challa had once invited Tony over to his residency. Wakanda was pretty much the Utopia Tony had imagined, so he found himself visiting often. He and T'Challa would often discuss the futures of their empires, helping out communities and each other, and in his 2nd visit itself he had met Shuri, who the king had introduced as 'the brain of the country'. Shuri was an absolute _delight_ to meet with- she had an intellect that nearly rivalled his own, and so many fascinating ideologies (Brucie-bear was gonna _love_ her, he just _had_ to meet her!). It wasn't long enough till they had fully immersed themselves in the world of science, and by the end of his 5th visit Tony was begging to work with her. To his delight, Shuri was more than glad to do that. T'Challa, poor guy, had no idea what crazy sciency mumbo-jumbo those two did, but he allowed Shuri permission to visit the Stark Tower.

When she came to his Tower, Tony had to say he was slightly nervous. Wakandian equipment was so much more advanced from what he had, so he stood calmly while nervously squirming in his shoes as the Princess gave the Tower a thorough examination. She squinted her eyes, looked around and then gave a satisfied nod with a "Not bad" at the end. Tony felt a block lift off his shoulder- wow he never knew that he was going to be so nervous just for a _child's_ consent, but he had his respect for Shuri. After entering the Tower, she headed straight for his labs, where Peter and Harley were already tinkering with one of Tony's cars. Tony had expected awkwardness between the two parties, but they slid together so smoothly that it seemed like they knew each other forever. They laughed and teased, and were completely elated when they discovered that 'pop-culture references' were a common medium between them. Tony headed out of the lab when they decided to start quoting vines, but there was this warm feeling in his chest when he saw the teens bicker and joke in his lab.

Tony called it _happiness_. Rhodey called it _successful parenting_. (shut up Rhodey! no one asked you for your opinion!)

Anyhow, Tony was stuck with 3 Gremlins, and he was a father now.

**\----------------**

_"SWEET CAROLINE!"_  
"Can I get a waffle?"  
"This beech empty!"

 _"BAM BAM BAM!"_  
"Can I _please_ a get a waffle?"  
"y _EET!"_

"How is this my life?" Tony wondered aloud  
"Don't worry Tones," Rhodey said, patting Tony's shoulder in an _it-will-be-alright_ manner-of-fashion and giving it a small squeeze. There was a sagely tone underlying his voice. "Parenthood can be tough at first, you'll get used to it soon enough."

Tony watched the scene unfold in his living room, torn between laughing, sobbing, and pure horror. Peter was standing upside-down from the ceiling, and had just thrown- no, _yeeted_ his empty soda can into a trash can which he had webbed to the wall to make a makeshift hoop. Shuri was standing on the coffee table, on hand on her hip which jutted out, and the other holding a mic _(where on earth did she get that from?)_ to her mouth, mimicking the posture of the anime girl on the TV screen while she sang along with the karaoke track of _Sweet Caroline_ blaring from the speakers. Harley was lounging on the couch with a Nintendo Switch console in his hand, his fingering furiously tapping away while he sipped Dr. Pepper from the can with a purple Crazy Straw. The can sailed from Peter's hand through the air and neatly fell into the bin (Jarvis was unhelpfully providing the _ding-ding-ding_ sound effect), and he gave out the loudest whoop, waving his hands in the air like he was in a football stadium, but at a more frantic pace. Thank god for high-ceilings, or else his windmilling arms would have taken Shuri's head off. The princess had fallen down onto her knees on the table surface, her hand holding the mic thrown up in the air and the index & middle finger forming a _'v'_. With her head thrown back dramatically, mic held in the air and fingers in a peace sign, she looked like a dramatic broadway star. Harley, on the other hand, had just jumped onto his feet, furiously venting as he angrily waved his Nintendo Switch in the air. 

"I give up." He declared, continuing to wave his game like a white flag. "I give up on this mother-trucking game, on this mother-trucking Switch, _on my mother-trucking life!_ I mean, _why? Why_ is it so hard to make a slab of meat pass an obstacle course? YOU'RE A PIECE OF MEAT! YOU AREN'T EVEN _SUPPOSED_ TO BE DOING OBSTACLE COURSES!"

Rhodey's body was trembling from restraining his laughter, one hand smacked over his mouth to stop from from giggling. Tony was trembling as well, but he wasn't sure what he was restraining- a laugh or a wail. He decided to stay somewhere in between.

Harley slammed the Nintendo onto the couch, and plopped down unceremoniously, his arms crossed tightly across his chest. Peter stopped swinging and Shuri twisted around, both of them looking at the third teen while he let out a frustrated huff. 

Peter made a frowny face, which, since he was hanging upside-down, looked more like a smile, and let himself fall onto the ground. Tony barely stopped himself from running at the teen to catch him- it could be years for all Tony cared, but he was _never_ getting used to the kid just jumping of ceilings. He walked over to the couch and sat by Harley's side, and Shuri followed suit, sitting next to Peter. She looked up at Tony and raised an eyebrow.

"Well?" she asked. "Are you gonna talk to your son or not?"

Tony gave a little jerk- he hadn't realised that he was going to be noticed. Rhodey gave Tony a little push.

"Go on," he said, his voice all trembling from restraining giggles. "Talk to your _son."_

Tony gave him a stink eye, but trudged over to the teens' side.

"What's bothering ya, kid?" Tony asked, standing next to Harley's left knee. Said teen gave a sniff, glaring at his toes.

"Stupid piece 'f meat," He mumbled, toeing at the floor. He didn't look up, but he patted the spot next to him dejectedly, signalling Tony to sit down. 

Tony sighed, and mentally shook his head. _Comfort the kid, Stark,_ he said to himself as he lowered himself onto the couch, _talk smooth, don't make him more upset than he already i-_

**_Crack._ **

"Wha-"

Tony's back snapped up ramrod straight as he felt something break under him. A beat later, he felt something cold and slimy seep through his jeans and that was it. He let out the most masculine shriek he could muster and jumped in the air, propelling himself away from the sofa, his eyes wide as his hands flew behind to see _what the hell was on his ass-_

And pulled them away to see something yellow-and-transparent and very goopy drip down his fingers. His eyes snapped back onto the sofa to see the cracked remains of a fucking egg lying on it, yellow yolk smeared on the fabric and white egg shells strewn in it. Tony's eyes immediately zeroed onto Harley, who was howling with laughter, clutching his chest as he leaned back. Shuri had bent forward, forearms propping her up on the coffee table as she was reduced to near tears, her body shaking so violently it looked like she was having a seizure, and Peter had ended on the floor, his knees pulled to his knees as he wheezed like a goddamn asthma patient.

When Harley saw Tony boring daggers into him with his eyes, he had the slightest humility to quail under the gaze, but the other two continued to laugh to their sweet death, Shuri pounding the table like she was dismissing court and Peter busy kicking off invisible blankets.

 _"ohmylORD-"_ SHuri wheezed out. _"Yo- you- your face- you-"_

 ** _"yEEOW!"_** Peter screeched as he did his best to mimic Tony's _very_ -manly shriek which sounded _nothing like that thank you very much!_ And with that all three of them set off with an even harder laugh.

Rhodey had fully given up on suppressing himself and was screaming with laughter, his dark skin managing to look a very bright red at the face as he doubled over. Tony promptly kicked the betrayer in his balls.

"Tha- _that was awesome!"_ Shuri yelled , somehow managing to smother her laughter into smaller hiccups. Then her eyes widen. _"No wait- that was_ egg-selent!"

Peter looked at her for a second, then his mouth dropped open and he giggled helplessly.

 _"Funny,"_ He spluttered out. _"That was_ egg-sactly _what I was gonna say!"_

Tony narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Wait a second... what are you two-"

 _"I need to agree!"_ Harley chorused. "I doubt I'll be- _eggs-aggerating-_ if I say that was- _egg-septional!"_

Tony's eyes widened when he realised what was happening. "Oh no, hell no! Take that back! _Back!"_

"Alright, alright, my bad Mr. Stark," Harley said, throwing his hands in the air in mock surrender. Then he grinned. "I was just... _yolking around!"_

Tony jabbed his finger at Harley. "You, young man, are in deep shit."

"Ooh," Peter chimed. "Looks like somebody's walking on eggshells!"

"Parker I swear-"

"C'mon Tony," Shuri said. "Don't you think you're overreacting? Because these puns sure do..."

Tony growled. "Don't you _dare-"_

_"Crack me up."_

"Oh _you little-"_

Tony marched forward with all his intend to chase those 3 Gremlin around the Tower- yes, that's what he'd been reduced to, a multibillionaire chasing down 15 year olds- when an arm wrapped around his front, stopping him from going forward.

"Let 'em be, Tones," Rhodey said as he restrained the fuming genius. "They're just playing around."

"You don't get to speak, you betrayer," Tony snapped at him, who smiled guiltily. Tony looked up at the ceiling, his hands raised upwards towards his saviour.

"You, J, are my only hope," Tony said. "Tell them to stop."

"Definitely sir," JARVIS's British voice floated down. Then after a beat, he said. "Though I would say that they did rather _egg-stremely_ well."

Tony's head fell downwards, half wanting to scream and half spent, as the three teens and Rhodey went back to hooting louder than ever.

"You did it," Tony whispered. "You corrupted my AI. You absolute _monsters."_

JARVIS let out what sounded suspiciously like a chuckle. 

Tony looked at the kids. "You are banned from the lab for a week."

All three immediately stopped whooping and and their faces fell.

Harley's jaw dropped, and his face was the definition for absolute devastation.

 _Nope,_ Tony said to himself. _Ain't budging._ Tony tapped his feet on the ground.

Shuri joined her hands in front in a pleading manner, while stretching her mouth into mouthing a huge _'no please we're sorry!'_. Tony did not budge.

Peter made wide puppy eyes. Tony crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Finally, Peter huffed.

"You're mean." He concluded.

"Yep," Tony said, popping his _'p'_.

Peter huffed again. "This is so sad," Then he looked up at the ceiling. "JARVIS, play Despacito."

 _No!,_ Tony's mind shot up on the scream-o-meter, _no nonononowearenothavinganyofthatno-_

The opening chords for Despacito filled the air, and Harley immediately got down on one knee and mimed and air-guitar. Shuri grabbed her mic. Peter lifted the half-empty Dr. Pepper from the floor. 

**_"yEE-HAW!"_** Harley shrieked and the three of them start to sing the song while shaking their hips. "Sí, sabes que ya llevo un rato mirándote-"

Rhodey pulled out his phone to record the bandwagon.

Tony buried his face in his hands and sobbed.


	2. What Does Y E S Spell?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You broke them.”  
> Tony said the words carefully, as though he thought he had misheard them and wanted Steve to correct him. When Steve didn’t say anything, Tony repeated his words again, slower and with higher precision on each syllable.  
> “You. Broke them.”  
> Steve nodded nervously; he wanted to squirm on the floor but he managed to stay still.  
> “Let me get this straight- you, Captain America, managed to break 3 of the most strong-headed and obnoxious teens in the whole of America and most probably the world?”  
> “…y-yeah?”
> 
> OR: Harley, Peter & Shuri are bullies, Tony is proud of his kids, and Steve just wanted a sandwich.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I have done, but here it is anyways:

Peter was lounging in the kitchen with Harley and Shuri. Mr.Stark had to leave for a Boards of Directors because Pepper had forced him (frankly, watching Pepper literally drag Tony out of the lab from under one of the tables where he had been hiding had to be the best thing that had happened so far all day), and he never allowed them to be in the lab without any supervision (apparently JARVIS didn't qualify as supervision), so they were locked out.

Peter was finishing his History homework that was due 2 days ago. Yep, due, because honestly, who does that stuff? The only reason he was completing it was because he was at his final warning, and he didn't want May to, as she said and he quoted, _"hand his ass on a platter"_. Harley was fiddling on his phone _(didn't the guy ever have homework?)_ , and Shuri was rewatching the whole of _F.R.I.E.N.D.S_ , currently on Season 5. 

He was half-way through answering 'What is your impression of the French Revolution?' (ugh, what the hell, he didn't even _live_ in France! lose a world war and eat a baguette, that was his impression of France!) when he felt a tap on his shoulder, accompanied by a giggle.

"Dude," Harley said, shoving his phone in front of Peter's face, his voice giddy. "You gotta check this out."

"Not now, Keener," Peter mumbled, ducking his head around the device in his face. "Really gotta complete this."

"Nah man, this really gonna be worth your time, trust me."

Peter sighed. Whatever, he _had_ been on this stupid homework for more than 2 hours now, he could take a break. Screw this.

"Ok fine," he gave in, taking the phone from Harley's hand, who let out a happy little sound. "Just for a while. But I swear if you bugged me to show pigs in tutus I will kill you." _Oh wow he was sounding like Tony now._

"I would never," Harley said innocently, and Peter shook his head. _Yeah right._

Moving his hand to click on the start button of the video Harley had presented in front of him, he heard another voice.

"Whatcha seein'?" Shuri asked, looking over Peter's shoulder at the phone.

"I don't know, let's watch," Peter said, and with that he clicked onto the video.

And he didn't regret a single second. By the end of the video, they were pretty much giggling like 3 kids drunk on a keg.

"What does- _what does- oh god ahahaha!"_

 _"G-_ guys," Harley managed to say, wiping the tears that had quite literally sprung into his eyes. "What if... what if we did this with someone? Like anyone in the Tower?"

Shuri was hanging on the back of Peter's chair, hands gripping its top. "Heck yeah!"

"But... who? I mean, nobody's here right now so..." Peter trailed off. Then he spun in his chair to face the kitchen.

Cap had entered in, and he was heading to the cabinets. He had a tight-fitted white t-shirt on with black track pants, so he had probably come from the gym downstairs (wow and did he have glorious muscles). 

Peter stared, and then looked back at the other two, who were mirroring the look on his face.

"No way," Peter muttered. This was way too good to be true.

"Yes way," Harley said. He grinned. "Operation Eyes is a go!"

**\---**

The three of them walked up to the unknowing supersoldier, who was currently smearing peanut butter over a slice of bread (wholewheat bread- Mr. Stark would have a fit if he saw anyone eat that). They walked up behind in, and Harley smacked Peter slightly on the back, as if to say _go on then_. Peter gulped.

They hadn't thought over who was gonna speak, and now that they wanted him to speak, he couldn't help but feel a little timid- for heaven's sake, it was Captain America! This guy was the man of legends- he had brought down Red Skull, was frozen in the ice for 70 years, and had supposedly punched Hitler in the jaw. Captain America! Now that he thought about it, he was living with legends, which mean more than 1. Black Widow, Hawkeye, The Hulk, and Iron-freakin'-Man! He knew these people! People who should be only on TV and comic books! Superheroes! And he was, in sorts, one as well! _Gosh, when did his life get so crazy?_

 _Right. Task assigned. Gotta speak._ Timidly, he reached up and tapped Steve's back.

"Uh, Cap...?" Peter squeaked, and as Steve turned around, quickly added, "-Tain America, sir!"

Steve smiled. "Call me Steve, son," He said politely, and Peter's legs turned even more jelly. _First name basis with Captain America!_ Well, Cap had asked Peter to call him by his name several times in the past, but Peter was always too shy to. He spluttered.

"Oh-uhm sure uh, Ste-uh, Steve-"

There was a cough from behind him that sounded suspiciously like ' _sap'_ , and Peter turned to see Harley shaking his head and step forward.

"Steve, do you mind if we asked you something?" He said smoothly, an innocent expression on his face.

Steve, gentleman as always, smiled once again. "Sure, go ahead Harley." He said politely. Then he looked down at the phone in Harley's hand and his expression turned a bit embarrassed.  
"Oh, I'm not very good with tech, perhaps you could ask Bruce?"

"No no, nothing related to that!" Harley said, setting the phone on the counter. "It's just some spelling things, nothing else."

Steve's smile turned confused, but he obliged. "Spelling isn't my strongest suit, but I'll do my best."

"It's easy, don't worry," Harley promised, and Peter was doing everything to not grin. Beside him, he could feel Shuri snicker softly. Steve, bless his supersoldier hearing, caught it, and his eyebrows creased the barest. Harley immediately shot us a look and turned back to him, who was looking slightly more confused.

"What does Y E S spell?"

Steve frowned- that was definitely not what he had expected.

He answered anyways. "Yes?"

"You sure?" Harley asked. "That's what it spells right?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Y-yes."

Peter started to grin- now came the best part.

"Ok," Harley said. He was grinning as well. "What does E Y E S spell?"

Steve thought for a moment, then spoke. "Eyes?"

Peter fully grinned now. Steve did exactly what he thought he was gonna do- he did pronounce it, but he pronounced it wrong. Instead of saying _eyes_ , he had pronounced it as _eeyes_. It was a simple mind trick- by making Steve say 'yes' first, they had the sound lodged in his brain. If they added any letter in front of the word, he would tend to pronounces _yes_ but with the alphabet in front. Yes. Add _'b'_. Byes. Add _'e'_. Eeyes. And it was _absolutely hilarious._

"Try again," Harley said, the smile on his face so wide Peter was afraid it might split into two. "What does Y E S spell?"

"Yes..."

"Now what does E Y E S spell?"

"Eyes?"

Peter couldn't help it, he started laughing. A small, surprised laugh that soon grew to be a full fledged one. Shuri giggled behind her hand, and Harley guffawed.

"No, try again, what does _Y E S_ spell?"

_"Yes."_

"What does _E Y E S_ spell?"

"...eeyes?" Steve hesitantly applied more force on the _'e'._

Peter's laughter had doubled, clutching his stomach and bending over slightly. Shuri's giggles had loudened, and Harley was doing no better.

"What does E Y E S spell?"

"... _ee_ yes?"

"E Y E S?"

" _Ee_ yes!"

"E Y E S!"

" _EE_ YES!"

_"E Y E S!"_

_"EEYES!"_

Steve had literally shouted out the last word, and that was enough to send Peter crashing into the counter. He was screaming with laughter, water blurring his vision. Shuri was pounding the counter next to him, and Harley was sitting on his butt on the floor, chortling. Steve... well, Peter had never seen the supersoldier more confused or worked up.

"I don't understand, what is happening?"

"You- you're getting it wrong," Shuri said, trying to help. "What does Y E S spell?"

"Yes!"

"So what does E Y E S spell?"

Steve's face was indescribable, his face torn between confusion and exasperation. His eyebrows were scrunched together as he clenched his fist, as if wishing to somehow punch his way through the problem.

_"...eees?"_

Peter had lost it. He had slipped onto the floor next to Harley, and both of them were honest-to-god _cackling_. Shuri was crying onto the counter.

"Why- why are you guys laughing?!" Steve sounded frantic now, and his tone was doing nothing to help Peter's laughter.

This was the best thing that had happened to him _all day._

\---  
  
Steve was in absolute confusion. He wasn't sure what was going wrong! Yes, eeyes! What else did they want?

"What?!" He asked frantically.

"It- _it's- no- nahahahaha!"_

He really wanted to grab them by their shoulders and shake them now. _What is it?!_

" _Ohmygod!_ " The words tumbled out of Harley's mouth like a single word. " _Ohmygod!_ Hel- _help me!"_

Suddenly, as though they had been tasered, all three teens jolted and looked at each other with wide eyes. Then their faces split into a grin.

"Help. Me!" They chorused. _"Help. Me! Nig-"_

"No cursing!" Peter crowed, and they started to scream with laughter. 

Steve was torn between crying and helping the kids.

That's when the elevator next to the kitchen pinged, and the doors opened to reveal Tony. He was wearing one of his business Armani suits that Steve couldn't buy in a million years, tie loosened and draped around his neck, suit jacket hanging over his shoulder. He had a cheeseburger in his hand, and was proceeding to unwrap it when he saw the 4 occupants of the kitchen in their various positions and paused.

Tony took in the scene- 3 teenagers on the kitchen counter and floor, flopping and gasping for air like goldfishes, and Steve standing with a slice of bread smeared with peanut butter next to the counter. His face was unreadable, flitting with various emotions, deciding which one to choose. He finally settled on a single-eyebrow raise aimed at Steve.

“Ok,” he said. “What happened here?”

“Um.” Steve said. He wasn’t sure how to describe what happened- he didn't know it himself- so he stayed silent for a while. While he was struggling with his words, Tony kept his eyebrow raised. The kids wheezing on the floor didn’t really help.

“I... think I might have broken them?”

Tony’s expression changed, this time both of his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. His face tilted forward, and his mouth fell open. He was like that for exactly 2 seconds before he changed his expression once again into a much simpler version of shock.

“You broke them.”

Tony said the words carefully, as though he thought he had misheard them and wanted Steve to correct him. When Steve didn’t say anything, Tony repeated his words again, slower and with higher precision on each syllable.

 _“You._ _Broke_ them.”

Steve nodded nervously; he wanted to squirm on the floor but he managed to stay still.

“Let me get this straight- you, Captain America, managed to break 3 of the most strong-headed and obnoxious teens in the whole of America and most probably the world?”

“…y-yeah?”

Tony continued to stare at Steve, just stand and plain stare. Steve _really_ wanted to squirm now. Then finally he straightens his shoulders and lifted the cheeseburger in his hand. He started to unwrap it and looked at Steve with a different face, one of amusement. His lip was quirked up at one side and he spoke.

“Alright, I call it. Now that’s a story I definitely wanna hear.” He raised the burger to his lips and took a bite of it, speaking as he chewed. “Spill.”

“Uh,” Steve started. “They’ve been asking questions.”

Tony groaned around the food in his mouth.

“No,” he whined, swallowing. “No, _no you guys. Stop it._ He’s Captain America- the purest, noblest, most innocent guy on the planet- don’t you _dare_ corrupt his pure brain!”

“No!” Peter squeaked from the floor, his voice cracked from laughing too hard. He had stopped laughing and was now busy trying to stand up straight without toppling down. “Not those types of questions! Harmless types!"

At Tony’s _go-on_ face, Peter turned to Steve.

"What does Y E S spell?"

Steve was frustrated now. "I said it earlier as well, yes!"

The kid stifled a laugh. "So what does E Y E S spell?"

"Eeyes!"

"No, Steve, _E Y E S_."

Ok, now this was enough. Steve finally snapped.

"EEYES, EEES, _EEYES!"_ he yelled. "I'VE SAID THAT MORE THAN _5_ TIMES NOW! _WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!"_

All four of them froze, staring at Steve who was panting heavily. All of their eyes were wide- Harley had stopped mid-laugh, Peter's mouth hung open forming an _'o'_ , Shuri threw her hands over her mouth. Tony looked the most shocked out of them- his mouth ajar, eyebrows up in an amazing arch, the corner of his lips doing this weird spasm as if deciding whether to smile or not. He stepped forward, his hands raised in a placating gesture.

"Steve," he said slowly. "Breathe."

Steve did. He inhaled, held his breathe, and slowly exhaled. Looking up, he saw Tony was looking at him, his eyes definitely dancing with mirth. 

"We cool?" He asked, and Steve nodded. "Okay. Now listen carefully,"

He raised his hand which wasn't holding a burger, and pointed his index finger in the air.

"E, Y, E, S." He drew each letter in the air as he spoke. "E Y E S, Steve. What's that?"

Steve stared at the air where Tony had drawn each letter

Ok, Steve, _focus._

What did Tony draw?

E... Y... E... S... which spells...

_E... Y... E... S..._

And that's when it hit hit him. That's when it hit him in the face like Thor's hammer, almost sending him reeling backwards.

He got it. _He got the answer!_ It wasn't Eeyes! _He got it!_ He...

And now he just felt stupid.

Steve felt his face burn. How did he _not_ get that? It was Eyes! _Eyes!_ As simple as that! What even _was_ 'Eeyes'?

Noticing the silence, he realised he had to answer.

"It's..." Steve's voice was meek. "...it's eyes."

Tony smiled. "There you go! Attaboy, Steven! Now was that so hard?"

"No..." he answered in a small voice. He looked down to see the 3 kids getting up, each with a huge grin on their face. Steve wanted the floor to eat him up.

"It's ok, Cap," Harley said, stepping forward and patting Steve's arm. "It's a mind trick- mostly everybody falls for it. You did really good!"

Steve gave an exasperated sigh as Harley let out another giggle, but he felt his own lips turning upwards. That was really stupid, but even he had to admit it was funny. Yes, Eyes, Eeyes. Heh.

Tony tilted his head to the side, then shrugged. Eating his burger, he walked past them towards the exit of the kitchen.

"If we're done with our English crash course, I'm gonna go down to the lab," he said as he sauntered out. "If you 3 Gremlins wanna come you can! We can continue with the hydraulic-integrated project we left yesterday..." As he went out, the kids bound behind him like hyper puppies, all 4 of them chattering, their voices overlapping. Steve shook his head, and turned towards the counter to continue making his sandwich.

 _Those kids,_ he thought as he spread the peanut butter on his sandwich. _They aren't any better than their Dad._

**\---**

That was a very interesting scene Tony had walked into. Watching those Gremlins rolling on the floor and Steve looking more flustered by the second.He knew exactly what they had done to Steve- those absolute bullies, messing with a poor 90 year old man's mind! 

Tony was proud of them idiots.

(JARVIS calls it _P_ _arent's Pride_ , Tony tells him to kindly shut up.)

**\---**

Steve was sitting in the living room couch, eating a peanut-butter-jelly sandwich as he read the newspaper (call him old-fashioned, but he would never be comfortable with those 'e-newspapers' that Tony always insisted that he read), when Clint walked into the room.

"Wassup, _Oh-Captain-My-Captain?"_ Clint said as he opened the fridge and pulled out the milk gallon. Opening it, he directly chugged it from the bottle itself (Steve agreed with tony- he really _was_ a heathen).

"Nothing much," Steve said, ignoring Clint as he smacked his lips loudly. "Just reading."

"Cool," he said, and then decided to catapult next to Steve onto the couch (he was literally in the kitchen! how on earth did he just jump onto the couch?!) and prop his feet next to Steve's face. Steve wrinkled his nose and tried to bat the feet away. Clint proceeded to 'obliviously' shove them further towards him. Steve sighed.

Yeah, the others were right, he _was_ too kind. But he didn't really want to tell Clint to move his feet away! It's rude!

Suddenly Steve's eyes widened.

 _No, no Steve! Bad Steve!_ But he wanted to do it... 

_Bad, bad Steve!_ He really wanted to do it...

...he might know what to do

"Hey Clint?" Steve asked.

"Uh-huh?" Clint responded, now busy making origami frogs out of extra newspaper.

"Is it ok if I ask you a question?"

Clint shrugged. "Sure, go ahead."

Steve grinned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck is even this chapter? I don't know. Did I post something I have no idea what I'm doing about?  
> ...maybe
> 
> This fic was actually inspired by an animatic video my friend sent to me  
> (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A7Ab_UAcQA)
> 
> If you wanna get a better understanding of this fic, you should watch this video (or watch it anyways, it's hilArious! u wont regret it!)
> 
> I have a lot of chapter ideas planned for this fic- exactly 20 more- but I don't know which one to post first!  
> I also have more works planned for this series- 5 more work ideas  
> So, chapter ideas: check, work ideas: check. huh, looks like this wont be such a big fail after all!
> 
> And I swear, they will get better, I promise! I had no idea what to post, but since I missed my post yesterday I just typed this out randomly *sheepish grin*
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	3. FUCK DA POLICE (aka Epic Adventures Of Tony Stark & James Rhodes Through MIT)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically the MIT shenanigans of Rhodey & Tony we all need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm a horrible person for not uploading, and I'm sorry! It's just that, school's been a bitch lately, and I have ADHD so it's sorta hard to just... 'sit down' and 'concentrate'.  
> Here's a sorta long chappie for y'all to make up for it. Hope you enjoy it!

Tony was working in his lab on armour upgrades when Peter walked in. He threw his bag on a couch, belly-flopped on said couch, and let out a long sigh.

"I hate everyone and everything and I want to crawl into a hole and _die_ ," he declared into the pillow. Tony turned around to look at the teenager lying on his stomach and his butt in the air, and shook his head in ~~fond~~ exasperation. 

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but say hello to life- it sucks!" Tony said happily, and spun back on his chair towards the boot repulsor mounted on the table. Peter glared at him.

"You know, you're supposed to be comforting me, right?" he grumbled. Tony shrugged.

"School just happens to suck, kid," he said with a shrug. "There's not much I can do about it."

"You're horrible, dad," Peter mumbled into the couch, and flipped himself onto his back, throwing an arm over his face.

 _High school sucked._ He had a stupid pop-quiz in the morning _(hecking Spanish! Why life, why?)_ , then another History test in the afternoon _(Peter was really starting to hate France)_ , then lunch time special- flipping Flash Thompson _(yay!)_. Flash was the real pain in the butt. Thanks to the guy, walking down hallways felt more like those Minecraft Parkour Warrior things, because that guy seemed to appear next to every locker! If it weren't for his spidey-senses, he would be getting a _lot_ more wedgies. Well, on the plus side, it was awesome when MJ called him 'Eugene', but that amount of joy did not compensate for a whole day-load of shittiness. _*Sigh*_ , did Peter really _have to go high school?_ Like, he already was smart- he did extra level classes and everything!- and he could just learn stuff with Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark was a whole lot better than school- cooler lab, better equipments, more fun, plus Harley and Shuri were here too! If only that could happen...

Speaking of Mr. Stark, Peter figured it was time for him to snap out of thinking and come back to reality. He shook his head slightly and sat up to see Mr. Stark staring at him. Peter frowned, and immediately put his hand on his face. _Was there something on it? An ink blot, maybe?_

"What?" Peter asked as he patted his cheek. "Is- is there something on my face?"

"You," Mr. Stark said. His voice seemed faintly astonished. "You, uh."

Peter watched as he swallowed, looked at his shoes for 2 seconds before looking back. Mr. Stark was _never_ speechless.

"You just... you just called me 'dad'."

Peter froze. Completely froze. Not that he was moving, but he felt his joints lock and his muscled stiffen. His eyes widened.

_He did what now?_

_What? WHAT? He called Mr. Stark '_ dad' _?! When did he do that? Why did he do that?_ Why _did he do that?! WHAT?! Oh shit ohshit ohshitohshitohshitohshit holy guacamole he was dead he was so de-_

"I-"

"So!" A voice rang out, and Peter jolted, immediately jumping to his feet and turning towards the door. Through his peripheral vision he could see Mr. Stark sit up straight. Shuri walked in through the door with Harley, and Rhodey behind them, holding brown paper bags in both his hands. Shuri looked at Peter with amusement.

"At ease, soldier," she said with a smirk, and Peter relaxed. _They didn't hear anything!_ Shuri and Harley proceeded to drop down on either side of the couch, while Rhodey went and leaned against the table Mr. Stark was working on, setting the brown paper bags (which now Peter could see read 'Burger King') onto the table.

"Where were you guys?" Mr. Stark asked casually. He had turned back to his boot repulsor, screwdriver in hand as he wrestled with something inside the machinery. His voice had slipped back to his cool and collected domineer, as if nothing happened. Peter wished he was as good at that. He could still feel a little bit of the petrified beet-root red blush on his ears. He cleared his throat slightly and leaned back, trying to feign nonchalance. _Nope, nothing happened! We're all good!_

"Nowhere special," Rhodey said with a shrug. "Just took these two out for a drive, stopped for some food on the way and thought we'd get you some." He poked the baggies, both of which Mr. Stark snatched up, tossing one at Peter while stuffing a grease-smeared hand in the second.

"Ah."

"So, what were you to discussing before we came?" Shuri asked, eyeing Peter and Mr. Stark. Peter squished himself into the backrest of the couch.

"Nothing!" Peter squeaked.

"Oh, there was definitely something."

"Nothing actually," Mr. Stark said, swooping in to save the day as usual, while taking a bite of his unwrapped cheeseburger. "Mr. Parker was telling me how shitty his school was."

Harley and Shuri groaned in sympathy. 

"Aww, poor muffin. I feel ya," Shuri said, patting Peter's arm. "I've never really been to a proper school- never needed to since I'm practically a genius- but the few years in which I did were hell."

"I get you too, man," Harley said, giving a grave nod. "High school _suuuuucks_."

"You didn't even go to school!"

"That's cuz I got a 2-day suspension!"

"Not something you're supposed to be proud of!" Mr. Stark cut in, glaring at Harley. 

"Ay, Tones" Rhodey said. "You don't get a say at this."

"What? Why not?"

"Oh- haha," Rhodey huffed, crossing his arms. "You remember how much trouble you got me into in MIT?"

Mr. Stark scoffed with his mouth half full, turning towards him. "I did nothing. I was a good boy in MIT."

"Yeah right."

"Rho-"

"Do you remember the time you triggered the fire alarm? Or blew up, what, _17 labs?"_

 _"What?"_ Peter said incredulously, springing forward. "You did _what?"_

"Lies," Mr. Stark said, swallowing the burger down, waving a hand in the air. "Lies and scandal."

"Oh no," Rhodey waged a finger into Mr. Stark's face. "Those are not lies. Don't you dare tell me you don't remember the time you set off the water sprinkler in Mr. Moloughney's office! You made slime shoot out of there instead of water! _Slime!_ _With purple glitter!"_

Mr. Stark opened his mouth, but Rhodey glared at him. Both of them seemed to have a staring competition to which Mr. Stark gave in. He sighed.

"Ah-fine! _Fine!_ I did it! But with a name like that, he had it coming, okay?" He defended. His nose wrinkled. " _Moloughney._ I mean, please."

"17 labs?" Peter repeated. He wasn't sure if he had heard the words correct. 

"Yeah!" Rhodey put out his hands and started counting off each finger. "This guy blew up _17_ labs, made _29_ booby traps, disable _all_ the cameras in the campus of MIT, which, by the way, is supposed to be the 'pinnacle of technology'. He rigged all the fire alarms at least _45_ times in the 3 years of his university life. And don't even get me started on how many parties we crashed. He has been going to each one that had taken place since he was 15. I'd try to stop him, but he'd manage to sneak behind my back. I swear, half of my white hair's here thanks to this asshole."

Rhodey paused to take a breathe while the three teens stared in astonishment, then turned their heads towards Mr. Stark, who squirmed under the gaze.

"You," Harley said, his voice dreamy. "Are a _god."_

Mr. Stark huffed. "I always was!"

"You did all that stuff when you were _15?"_

"15, 16, 17, yes."

Harley continued to stare at him, as though he was seeing Jesus. 

"I have a whole different level of respect for you now."

Tony made an offended noise at the back of his throat, but Shuri cut him off before he could say anything.

"Hold up," she said, making a 'time-out' sign with her hands. "I heard parties. And as all movies say, college and university parties are _dope as hell."_

Rhodey and Mr. Stark both laughed at this.

"Well, 'dope' isn't the word I'd use- maybe somewhere around 'wild' and 'border-lining insane', but sure we'll go with that." Mr. Stark said.

"'Wild' and 'border-lining insane' thanks to people like you!" Rhodey said. Mr. Stark spread his hands.

"What can I say? I'm the Party Lord!"

"Can we get party stories?" Shuri chimed. At that Mr. Stark's expression turned what could be only described as sheepish.

"Nah kiddo," he said scratching the back of his neck. "Some of them are... really crazy."

"C'mon Mr. T," Harley said, throwing one leg on top of the other. "Entertain us! We crave entertainment!"

Mr. Stark glared at him. "I am _not_ your-"

"Alright," Rhodey cut in with a grin. "I'll tell ya."

"Yay!" Harley cheered. He angled his body to face Mr. Stark. "See? Now that wasn't so hard, was it? Rhodey's awesome. Be more like Rhodey."

Rhodey puffed up his chest while Mr. Stark deflated, mumbling something under his breath that sounded like _yeah, make his head bigger than it already is._

"Hmm, lemme see," Rhodey knitted his brows while tapping one finger against the table. "I've got quite a lot, but I'm not sure if they fall on the... appropriate side of the scale..." Peter wrinkled his nose. He didn't wanna know any of _those_ stories, you know? Finally Rhodey's head jerked up, a grin flashing on his face like a _Eureka!_ moment.

"Oh I know one!" He said, eyes bright. Then he turned towards Mr. Stark with a sly smile. "Three words: Fuck Da Police."

Mr. Stark's eyes widened. "Oh no, don't you dare. Don't you dare!"

"Oh, I dare alright," Rhodey rubbed his hands, a devilish spark in his eyes. He turned towards the teens. "Sit tight, good people," he sang. "Uncle Rhodey is gonna tell you a story!"

"Uncle Rhodey will shut the fuck up!" Mr. Stark sang back. _(Rhodey and the other promptly ignored him, much to his annoyance)_

"Now, let's see, which year would it be," Rhodey started. "Yeah, 1986. I was 18, and Tones was 16. It was somewhere in June, and I remember it was a Friday evening because we had done our weekly prep test in the morning. The party was a Carson's dorm- we dubbed his as Dorm 69 'cause he was known for parties with the most _activities,"_ Peter made a gagging sound while the other two teens hooted. Rhodey laughed along. Mr. Stark rolled his eyes, but snickered anyways- he had now scooted forward on his chair, arms propped on his thighs as he leaned forward to listen. He was still trying to be mad, but Peter could see a smile getting the better of him.

"Yeah, so Dorm 69. Now, thing about MIT parties- they are _wild_. And I don't mean blaring too loud music," Rhodey laughed. "Oh no. Tones, ya wanna explain how wild they were?"

Mr. Stark was now fully smiling. "Oh baby, _wild_ isn't even enough to describe how the parties would go. Our frat and dorm parties were _huge_ \- like, _prom sized._ We had kids all over from Boston and Cambridge. Your now-days parties don't compare to the 90's by even an inch, that's how wild they were."

"Couldn't have said it better," Rhodey chuckled. "So this one was big, even by MIT standards. I think we had kids chocking up the hallways, yeah?"

"Hallways and dorms, no shit."

"Exactly. So that's when all of us decided that we had to move shit over." Both Mr. Stark and Rhodey gave a cackle that caught the teens off guard. Peter watched as Mr. Stark laughed. His eyes were shining, filled with youth and memories. Peter felt himself smile along with him- it was these rare moments when he saw his mentor be free, off-stress.

"So move shit we did."

"Move shit?" Harley asked. "What do you mean? You mean, go off campus or something?"

Mr. Stark's grin widened, and so did the teens' eyes. "No way. _No way!_ You guys left _campus?"_

"Yes way," Tony said. "How many of us were there, I think like 60 or something? Damn, I think more than 60 of us managed to sneak off campus. Well, not exactly 'off campus' per say, but we got out of dorms."

"But how?" Peter asked. "Didn't you like, get caught or something?"

Rhodey's teeth flashed. "I'll get to that in a bit.

"So we all sneak off, and there's this pub less than 2 minutes away- inside our campus, actually. It's called the Muddy Charles Pub. Awesome place, real sweet liquor. 60 university kids crash up there, and then," Rhodey drummed on the table. "Then the party starts."

"We party, and we party hard. _Hard_ hard. Like, _blackout_ hard."

"No joke," Mr. Stark said. "I'm pretty sure I did a couple of times."

"Yeah, me too. We're into this party, and shit soon goes insane. You see, MC Pub has real good liquor. And tired, brain-dead university kids are attracted to liquor like bees to nectar. So in no time, everybody was drunk off their asses. And when everybody is hammered, stuff goes outta hand. The place had turned from party-zone to Area 51."

The teens laughed, but Rhodey shook his head.

"I'm not kidding! Ask Tones!" Mr. Stark nodded.

"Seriously, it was crazy! We had shots, lots of them. Simple shots, body shots, the Irish Flag, Kamikaze, Shamrock, the Quickie, you name it! And it's never good to mix too many potions together, because things tend to blow up. And blow up they did. People were standing on the chairs and lying on the floor. Some were trying to attempt to swing from the ceiling lights. This one dude jumped on the pool table and broke it in half," Mr. Stark scratched the back of his neck with a guilty look on his face. "Though I think that might have been me."

 _"What?!"_ Peter and Shuri screeched while Harley screamed with laughter. Rhodey shook his head again.

"Don't ask me how how an underweight skinny ass like him could break an oak-wood pool table. But once again, this genius has managed to blow up labs and stomach 27 shots-" There was another squeak of amazement/horror from the teens "-so I've learned not to question anymore."

"Now shit had really hit the fan. We had no idea who was who, what was what, only where the bar table was so we could chug more shots. Me and Tones were sticking together the entire time, giggling like idiot. That's when Leo Anderson, one of our friends, walked up to us and said something. We couldn't really make out the sentence, but it was 'Something something, Police'."

Rhodey put out hands an a _'now listen to me'_ manner. 

"Now listen to me," he said. "Anybody with common sense knows that when you're at a party, and you hear a sentence with the word 'police' in it, it's never good. Hell, _any_ sentence with the word 'police' in it is never good. But _this_ mastermind," Rhodey turned towards Mr. Stark and gestured towards him heavily, who squirmed in his seat.

" _This_ mastermind, with his genius, child prodigy brain-"

"Hey, I was drunk!" Mr. Stark protested.

"With his genius, child prodigy and drink-addled brain," Rhodey corrected. " _This_ man connects the dots in his mind, grabs me by the sleeve, and drags me to the centre of the crowd where everybody can see us. And the promptly screams,"

Rhodey took in a deep breath and cupped his mouth, and then bellowed, **"FUCK DA POLICE!"**

The teens stared at him for a second, before breaking into convulsing fits. Shuri rolled into Peter's lap, who had collapsed on Harley's shoulder, and all three of them were howling in no time. Mr. Stark's face had taken an impossibly dark shade of beet red, as he spluttered. Rhodey put a hand over his mouth to keep him from talking and continued.

"The entire crowd of 60 people stared at us, as everything went pin drop silent. I think that was the day I had learnt what 'pin drop silence' really meant. If anybody dropped one on the floor, I'm pretty sure everyone could hear it."

"So everybody remained silent for a count of 3, until Johnny Boswell stomped his foot on the ground and yelled, "FUCK DA POLICE!" And then everything descended to madness.  
Everybody started yelling it, chanting it like it was some sort of battle cry or something. The guys went nuts- you had them running around the pub and hooting. They were sitting on the floor and clapping like Manchester just won FIFA or some shit. There was this one guy standing on the pub table, shirt off and waving it above his head like a lasso."

"...that may have been me too." Mr. Stark mumbled, and the laughter- sorry, _screaming_ \- doubled.

"The girls had all grouped up together, cheering from the sidelines and chanting the words like damn cheerleaders. And- and everything was so _crazy-"_

Rhodey collapsed, laughing, while the kids wheezed. Mr. Stark's face was so dark a shade of magenta, Peter wasn't even sure if it was a shade.

"And- and that's when," Rhodey hiccuped and suppressed his laughter. "That's when the police _actually_ came."

Peter's laughter stuttered as his eyes grew bigger. Harley and Shuri followed suit.

"W-hat?" Peter choked out. "Oh cra-ap that's not good."

"Well at that time it wasn't," Mr. Stark said with a shrug. His face had somewhat come back to its normal olive tone. "We would be shitting our pants if we were sober. But it's really funny now."

"True," Rhodey nodded.

"Well, what happened then?" Harley blurted out, the excitement getting the better of him.

"I remember it so clearly," Rhodey said with a grin. "This entire squad of blue-clad police guys storming in and then just looking at us for a second. I'm trying to imagine what they were seeing- a whole group of mostly white university kids drunk off their asses and screaming "FUCK DA POLICE" in their face." He snorted. "Priceless."

"So one of them whips out this mic clipped to his belt and says " _All students are requested to immediately clear premises and go back to their respective dorms, or they shall be escorted"._ Now all of us pretty much freeze as we stare at them, realisation finally hitting us, that there are actual police men over here. Of course that's exactly when Mr. Perfect Timing decides to pull out his perfectly-timed stunts," Rhodey pointed at Mr. Stark, who groaned behind his hands.

"He picked up a beer bottle, raised it above his head, smashed it on the floor, and then he yelled," Rhodey did his best drunk impression and shrieked.

 **"SCATTER Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS!"**

The teens completely lost it; Peter doubted his lungs would ever be the same again.

"He yelled, and then we all scattered like freakin' chickens, running between the officers' legs and sprinted towards our towers. Tony literally jumped into my arms, and I caught him, bless his skinny ass _("It's a first-rate ass! Leave it alone!" Mr. Stark complained)_ , and we just made a break for the dorms. I carried him like a damsel in distress-"

"Not!" Mr. Stark butted in between. "Not a damsel in distress! But yeah, we ran like we were running some kind of marathon. By the time we made it back,"

He and Rhodey made eye contact, and they both grinned. Peter's heart burst- it was _impossible_ to believe they weren't brothers!

"I actually think I pissed my pants," Mr. Stark admitted as he gave a very un-Mr. Stark like giggle. Rhodey laughed, but made a frowny face.

"Stark, I was carrying you, I _know_ you pissed your pants!"

Peter clawed at his throat. Was death by laughter possible? It was definitely gonna make it to the headlines tomorrow: '15 Year-Old Teenage Boy Dies From Laughing Too Hard On Frat Party Stories.'

 _"Oh god,"_ Shuri croaked out. "Did you guys ever study or what?"

"Certified genius," Tony sang. Rhodey swatted his arm.

"Yeah, unlike you, all of us others had to actually study to get marks. This guy did nothing all day, and still managed to ace the tests."

"Yeah that's because I did all the studying at night," Mr. Stark then paused for a moment. "Except party nights. Those days were exceptions."

Rhodey scowled. "Don't even _get_ me started on your sleep schedule Stark! You refused to rest, fuelled yourself with enough caffeine to give a heart attack to a water buffalo, then promptly collapse after 4 days of no sleep!"

He turned towards the teens. "There was this one time, in Mr. Langdon's class-"

"NO, do NOT TEL THEM ABOUT THA-"

"Oh hell I will! So that one time he..."

Mr. Stark groaned loudly as Rhodey launched into a second (no doubt) epic saga, and all three of the teens scooted forward on the sofa, knees jittering with adrenaline. Peter felt his mind float and fizz with excitement as he heard the Epic Adventures Of Tony Stark & James Rhodes Through MIT, his inner Tony Stark fanboy tap-dancing as he learnt more about his mentor...

**\---**

"Why do I feel that the Tower is quieter than usual?" Clint asked as he plopped onto the couch, switching on the TV. The Avengers (minus Tony, Rhodey, and the Gremlins) were gathered in the living room, sitting down for a Movie Night.

Bruce scanned the room- Clint was cradling a huge bowl of popcorn on his lap, shoving a handful into his mouth, Natasha on his right, filing her nails with a (slightly too sharp) nail filer, Steve on the left, waiting patiently for a movie to be selected. He looked at the beanbags scattered across the floor and the space next to him on the loveseat for their usual occupants, but was only met with air, and then the pieces connected.

"Tony, Rhodey and the kids aren't here," Bruce determined. "That's why it's so quiet."

"Has anyone seen them today?" Steve asked. "I feel like I haven't seen them the whole day."

"Me too," Bruce said.

"JARVIS," Nat asked the AI. "Where are they?"

"Sir and Colonel Rhodes are currently in the lab along with Mr. Parker, Mr. Keener and Princess Shuri. Would you like me to show you what they are doing?"

"Sure," Bruce said, sitting up better on his couch. They would see what they've been up to the whole day, at least.

A hologram popped up in front of the TV, and the live feed started to play as the voices kicked in.

_"-and it burst all over the place!" Rhodey said, his eyes wide as the three teenagers shrieked with laughter, their voices hoarse._

_They saw as Tony raised his hand. "Hey, it didn't go all over-"_

_"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! I WAS COVERED IN GREASE HEAD TO TOE AND COULDN'T GET IT OUT OF MY SKIN PORES FOR 3 DAYS!"_

_"...now that's true."_

_The laughter converted to near-sobbing as they saw Rhodey place his hands on his hips and turn towards Tony, who had now joined in the laughter._

_"You have to admit though," Tony said with a grin. "It_ was _funny."_

 _"FUNNY?_ FUNNY? _ANTHONY EDWARD STARK YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A_ HEART ATTACK _WHEN THE DAMN THING BLEW UP IN MY FACE! IN_ 3 IN THE NIGHT! _WHILE I WAS BLOODY_ SLEEPING!"

_There was a loud thud as Harley fell onto the floor, gasping and actually crying. The other two didn't look much better. Tony sniggered behind his hand, and burst into a full fit as Rhodey vented._

_"DON'T YOU_ DARE _LAUGH YOU ASSHOLE!"_

The feed cut off as the hologram folded close silently and faded. The present Avengers were left looking at the spot where the blue screen had just been.

"Well, looks like someone's have fun," Clint said.

"Do we tell them that it's movie night?" Steve asked. "I mean, they look like they're busy..."

"No, let them be," Nat said. A soft smile was playing over her face as she recalled the residential genius's face from the video, lit up with joy and happiness. Her eyes seemed to carry rare emotion in them. "Tony's having a good time with his kids."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry y'all! We're gonna have chapters featuring more of Clint, Nat & Bruce soon! I'm just putting in more of the Rhodey & Tony brotherly love because I don't feel I can find enough fics of 'em.  
> Also all the MIT stuff here is true. The campus has wild parties, and students from different campuses often. Yes, dorm parties are a thing. And yes, they have a bar called the Muddy Charles Pub in-campus.  
> I know, that place is awesome.  
> As usual, feel free to yeet comments and suggestions in the chat, or you can just tell me how your day's been! I love interacting with my viewers, and I'll do my best to respond to you as soon as possible!
> 
> Sayonara y'all x

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate comments and kudos's as much as the next writer, so feel free to tell me whether this fic is a 'yay' or a 'nay' in the comments section!  
> Also, like I said, I don't have a beta reader, so feel free to point out any mistakes. Or if you want, just simply drop in a random hello if you want!  
> Alsoooo, if you have any ideas fore this fic, yeet 'em down in the comments and I'll be sure to check them! (I'll give a special mention of whoever gave the idea when I use it in a chappie!)


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